No, that’s a bogus headline. OK, so it’s not yet April Fools’ Day. But, with the Wizards of Journalistic Ooze struggling to find a way to capitalize on the alleged shortcomings of the new iPad, I thought it might be worth looking at some of the headlines and lead sentences you might see in the next few weeks.
“New iPad Raises Cholesterol” A Swedish scientist has reported that restaurant apps for the new iPad’s high res display emit saturated fat rays.
“iPad 4G LTE Signals Destroy Pacemakers” Myron Flatly, no relation to William Flatly, claims his father-in-law dropped dead when he (Myron) turned off WiFi on his new iPad. Police are investigating the matter and the bullet hole in the dead man’s head.
“New iPad Related to Rise in Petty Theft in New Jersey” The New Jersey Attorney General’s office says theft of pettys is up 100% since March 16, 2012. “This horrible situation is clearly related to the release of the new iPad”, said William Flatly, Deputy Attorney General for Technology Stuff. "We will be suing Apple for three quarters of a trillion dollars."
“New iPad Retina Display Causes Eyes to Fall Out” Consumer Reports, which discovered the deadly heat generated by Apple’s new iPad tablet, today released the results of a study confirming that the “virbacity of the iPad’s Retina display is transmitted to the eyes of users and bystanders, causing their eyes to fall out of their sockets.
“Apple Releases New App to Return Eyes to Their Sockets” Based on Angry Birds Space, the new app alters the space-time continuum, causing eyes on the loose to return to their owner’s sockets.
"Man Loses Finger Closing New iPad Cover" Magnetic closure causes cover to snap shut, neatly removing the finger of a Palm Beach Florida dental hygienist.
“New iPad’s Weak WiFi Signals Cause Impotence in Lab Rats” In another journalistic coup, Consumer Reports noted medical director, Dr. Jerome Spaceman (pronounced “Spak – eh – man”), said that the reproductive rate of rats in labs where the new iPad is used drops to “near zero”, before returning to 100% after 10 hours. Dr. Spaceman noted that “This could drive certain drug companies out of business.”
And, finally, this one from our Tech Editor, Julio Urquidi, a self-described comic geek. "iPad 3 Spawns World’s First Super Powered Mutant". With 2 or 4 CPUs, depending on what it's doing, Apple's new iPad is able to generate its own kind, sometimes with Bizarro consequences. This iPad clone runs on Google's Android operating system.
For the record, I have yet to be burned anywhere by my 3rd gen iPad, and I play some of the most CPU intensive games on the thing. My Cholesterol level is still low; I have seen no one drop dead in the street from an iPad induced pacemaker failure. I have all my eyes, pettys and fingers, and, as far as I know, I’m still quite potent. Well, actually I haven't checked my potency--there's an app for that, of course--because it's rumored that the app causes earthquakes, at least in California.
Add your own headlines below, and send me your ideas for products we can do bogus headline articles on in the future.
Barry Gerber is Editorial Director for Bestofmedia USA, publisher of Tom’s IT Pro. He managed the Tom's Hardware site for several years, and oversaw creation of the site that is now Tom's Guide. Barry is the spiritual father of TIP, having devoted three years to its development. Barry spent many a happy year as in IT pro in finance, insurance, health and education. Also, he has written for a number of IT publications and published a number of IT related books. See here for all of Barry's Tom's IT Pro articles.